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307 Posts
Well, uh, you see, uh, it kinda went like this. Drove the 83 miles to the track ( in fl. time that equal's 2hr drive ) arrived at 7:30. For a usually slow nite my car # was 207. The lines were 4 abreast for what seemed like 1/4 mile long. It was 43 degrees. The look's I got from everyone there was exciting. From the time I pulled; up everyones eye's were on my car. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I know they were impressed. They were pointing at me and some were laughing ( I think they were intimadated becuse one guy vomitted ). Then all of a sudden, a cup of beer, a half eaten corn dog, some french fries, a tomatoe and a pamper landed on my car. We were under a airport glide path so I guess it was trash from an aircraft. The strip is only 30 miles from the Gulf, why don't they dump that stuff out there? Anyway. From the trip down, all the duct tape came loose ( thank's Spooner ) from my car and it was flapping in the wind so loud I didn't here the Fl Highway Patrol's siren. I't seems that in the State of Fl. you can't drive with a bus stop's bench mounted on the rear trunk of your car ( Thank's Navymitch ) nor can you operate a motor vehicle with graffeti written with a magic marker with words like "Eat Shit, If Your'e Behind Me Your A Homo, Honk If You Give @#$% Job's " and other thing's that I can't list here. The Tropper asked why I was driving with 2 flat tires on the rear and I said " Any dumbass knows you need traction at the strip". Well he made me take off the goggles ( you're killing me here navymithch ) and wanted me to walk a straight line. You see, from sitting on the bucket I couln't stand up straight and after he hit me with the Tazer I pissed my pant's. Anyway, after he checked my trunk for illegals ( the pigeon's were going crazy in there ) he let me go. Anyway, I'm in line at the strip for 3 hour's. What with cars blowing up, tranny's exploding ( Scooter ) I'm getting real excited. Finally it's my turn. The crowd's going crazy but I can't hear what they are saying because i'm cleaning off my car ( I didn't know that airplanes served tropical fruit and Mcdonalds, another one must have passed over me again ). I'm ready to go, I start banging on the top of my car to wake the pigeon's up ( I took off the doors, hood, trunk, windsheild and gas cap...thank's Unknownsuperhero ) the light drop's to green and as I usally do I wait and look in both direction's ( remember I live in Florida ) after I gave it the gas I was surprised that we must have had an ice storm while I was waiting in line, because I was on a sheet of ice. The car next to me must have had some kind of ice defroster option on his car because he just took off with no problem. I finnaly got traction in 3rd gear and then I was really movin boy. But when I got to the finish line the time light's wasn't even lit up. So I got out of my car and removed my goggles to see better. Nope they weren't workin....boy was I pissed. I know they were on for the other guy cause I saw them Flashing but by the time I got there....nothing. As I stood there 2 other cars went by me and the light's worked for them. I guess they were as upset as I was because they were screaming something at me as they drove by; something like " Off the friggen track". So I put my goggles back on and pulled away from the finish line, only thing was I couldn't find my turning lane. So like a good Fl. driver I turned on my emergency flasher's and backed up to the starting line ( have you guy's ever backed up that far? Ya know your speedometer does'nt show your speed....I've allway's wondered about that ) I didn't realize that handicapped racing was literaly that, because all those speaking impaired people were using sign language when I tried to get back in line. Then some big shot said "we've had enough for tonight" and invited me back when they host theire Demolition Derby...that's great...I'll get to blow shit up! So all in all it was an experience for me and the people at the track. They even had the Sheriffs Deputy give me an escort to the gate, that was really nice I thought. As I drove along the fenceline leaving the track, everyone was at there feet again, and again another plane went over ( damn garbage, I'm gonna call the FAA when I get home ). Oh! I almost forgot to give you guy's my time. They said it was a new track record ( it figures, I'm driving a Red Line ya know ) with a 15 min. 28 second. They said that no one "EVER" has had that time befor and that no one will "EVER" beat it. So I guess we are in the history book's guy's. Make sure you tell everyone ( we need all the bragging right's we can get ). And I want to thank everyone for all the helpfull sugestion's, because you all are responsible for my success. I'll let everyone know how the Demolition Derby goes..but the strange thing is I didn't see it listed on the upcomming event's calender. Maybe it's a sercret, with all the Homeland security stuff and all.......I love blowin shit up! BTW does anyone know where i can bury 323 homeing pigeon's? I think they froze to death in the ice storm. And also you guy's should have told me about our front wheel drive...I would have let the air out of the front 2 tires as well...who know's, I might have gotten a better time.......next time I'm bringing studded snow tires just in case. 
